It has been one year today since I last saw my Dad’s blue eyes. One year since he hugged me. One year since he got in his shiny black car and pulled out of my driveway for the very last time. It has been one year since I last saw my dad alive.
I go back to this day last year and wish so badly that we could have a do-over. I knew there was something wrong with my Dad, and I think he did too. Maybe he was done. Maybe he wanted to be free from the pain. Maybe he wanted to be able to breathe again. Maybe he was ready to say goodbye for good. I tried to get him to go to the hospital, but I didn’t try hard enough. When I hugged him goodbye and felt how warm he was, I told him that and he snapped back "I’m fine!"
Those words very well may have been his last words to me. I don’t even remember. I had no idea that I would be woken the next day with the phone call that would bring my world crashing down around me. I had no idea I would never see my Dad’s blue eyes again.
I will never forget that phone call from my Mom. I could hear the fear in her voice and feel the pain in her heart. She gave me hope, though, and I got there as fast as I could, but when I saw my Dad, I knew he was already gone.
The next week was the worst week of my life, and I have been re-living it over and over in my head as we come up on the anniversary of my Dad’s passing. He wasn’t in that hospital bed, it was just his body hooked up to tubes and machines, and he would have never wanted to be like that. We had to make sure, though. For him and for us.
I don’t want this next week to come. I don’t want to remember where I was a year ago. I want to go to sleep tonight with the memory of my Dad’s blue eyes, and wake up a week later with that memory, rather than the ones I have.
I miss my Dad.
14 comments:
oh LeeAnn. i'm so very sorry. *huge hugs*
The girls want to know why I'm crying while they eat their cereal and telling them that "my friend misses her daddy" is just making me cry more.
Hope next week gets here quick for you.
Oh friend, I feel for you so very much. I lost my daddy too, and I still cry, but the first year to year and a half I think I lived in a state of darkness. It's so very hard, and I'm so very sorry!
Oh hon. I wish there was something we could do to make this easier for you. These anniversaries and memories that create the "woulda coulda shoulda" thoughts are so hard. I'm sorry sorry. You'll be in my thoughts during this rough time of year. *huge hugs*
We just lost our father in law a few months ago. They sure leave a hole in your heart when the go but I am glad he is with my Mother in law. Hugs to you all! He did have pretty blue eyes ;)
This brought tears to my eyes,i went through a very similar situation when my Father passed away several years ago,my thoughts and prayers are with you.
((HUGS))
{hugs} friend.... Just know that hes out of pain now and watching over you and the kids.
Thinking of you during this tough time. Your Daddy is watching over all of you and is with you every day! Those are amazing blue eyes! :) Hugs to you and your sweet family!
You're in my thoughts and prayers in the coming week(s). Hopefully you can share your fondest memories with the kids of their grandfather and he'll be watching over you.
My heart breaks for you and your family. Please know that we will be praying for y'all. 3yrs ago on April 26th my grandma passed away and 2 years ago on the 21st of April my hubby's Mom passed away. She had another stroke like number 6 and we thought for sure she would bounce back but she never did. We are blessed to know that we will see her again some day and cling to that blessed hope to get through this month.
i am so, so sorry for your loss! i lost my dad a few years ago and it is tough. the first death in the family that truly crushed me was that of my beloved granny. when the one year anniversary came, i lost it at work, crying on and off all day long. i feel for you even though i dont know you, and i want to send you a huge hug and i will remember you in my prayers tonite. sending loving thoughts your way!
judy gardner
velvetelvis46@yahoo.com
I know that you miss your Dad, but you know that he is with you and the kids all of the time!! He watches from above and I am sure you guys keep him laughing :-) You are blessed to have had such a great Dad and I hope that with time, your heavy heart begins to heal just a little!
THEM EYES ARE SO BLUE---HUGS
Post a Comment