I have a confession to make…when Rylie was a baby, I was constantly comparing her to other kids. If a kid in her daycare class was doing something that she wasn’t able to do yet, I would immediately start worrying that something was wrong. Take her friend Angelica, for example. She is almost five months younger than Rylie, and seemed to do everything super early. Imagine how I felt when I brought my 8 month old baby, who couldn’t even crawl yet, to daycare and here is this 4 month old pushing up on her knees and rocking. I was devastated! And then when I took her to her 15 month well visit and almost broke down into tears because she was hardly talking at all, and Angelica was already saying words like “kitty”. I hated that my kid wasn’t doing things other kids were doing.
But you know what? Rylie did finally crawl and she ended up excelling in communication skills at a very young age. I don’t remember exactly when it was that I realized I was having actual conversations with her, but I think back to when she was the age that Bryce is now, and I remember how well she talked and communicated with us. We had conversations about her baby brother and she knew everything that was going on. She talked in complete sentences and was easy to understand. Most of her friends didn’t communicate as near as well as she did at that point in time. Her pediatrician was amazed at how well she talked. I really didn’t think she was all that advanced, but the more toddlers I am around, the more I realize that she was. Her communication skills definitely ended up being way above normal.
She also caught up with her motor skills. She finally learned how to crawl at 9 months, and then was walking at 11 months. She still can’t ride a bike, and that’s OK. She’ll figure it out when she is ready to figure it out. I know that.
What prompted me to write this post was a conversation that Brian and I had the other night. You see, Bryce is 20 months old and doesn’t talk much at all. He says words, and has a few new ones every day, but he isn’t NEAR on the level that Rylie was when she was this age. Now, if he had been my first child, I would already be worried sick about it. I know better now. The kid understands every single thing you say to him. You can tell him to go get his red ball, and he will go to the room that his red ball is in and bring it to you. He follows directions well, no matter what we tell him to do. And speaking of colors, he knows most all colors now, which is something Rylie didn’t know at this age.
Rylie’s communication skills may have been better than Bryce’s at this age, but his motor skills are better than hers were. From the time she could walk until she was 18 or 19 months old, Rylie was very clumsy and was constantly hurting herself. I mean hurting herself pretty badly too. She always had goose eggs, black eyes and fat lips, and even once had a huge friction burn that took up the whole side of her face. Bryce, on the other hand, has never gotten hurt. At least not bad like that. ::knock on wood:: He can even steer the Power Wheels pretty well, which is something we’re still working on with Rylie.
The bottom line here is that all kids are unique. And generally, if your child isn’t doing something that his or her peers are doing, they WILL catch up. Of course there are going to be instances where a child’s lack of ability is a sign of a problem, and you should always talk to your pediatrician if you are concerned, but chances are, they are just fine. Rather than concentrating on their lack of ability, concentrate on the abilities they DO have. You will feel much better if you do.
14 comments:
While I know better than to compare children, I already compare pregnancies. And I know that I will compare them once #2 is born. My toddler did everything early. She crawled at 4 months old. Her communication skills are dead on for her age, and improving all the time. But will I worry when #2 doesn't crawl at 4 months? And why should I when most don't crawl until at least 6 months? It's just part of the never ending worry of being a parent. :)
I totally understand you on this. In all honesty, it's hard NOT to compare your kids to other kids sometimes. Especially when other parents are constantly asking if your kid can do this or that because their kid can. Does that make sense? But, you're right, all kids are different, they all develop at different stages, and they are all unique little individuals in their own way. What's important is that they are LOVED!!
I agree. It is definitely hard to NOT compare your kids to other kids. The point I was really trying to make wasn't to NOT compare kids (since obviously I compare mine to each other still all the time), but not to stress over it if your child isn't doing something his or her peers are doing. It has been so much easier for me with Bryce because I know not to worry about the comparisons.
well said, Mama, well said! :) it's hard for some parents not to compare, i get that. especially today with the internet! but you're SPOT ON when saying to not get too worked up over the comparisons and to just focus on what your kid can do and who they are.
Boys & girls are different- and raising one of each has really taught me that.
My daughter learned things super fast- from signing, to speaking, to walking. Everything she did was ahead of the curve (even before she got the 5 week premie credit). My son, who is 19 months younger, always seemed slow. To the point I requested he be evaluated by professionals when he was about 30 months old despite my pediatrician trying to ease my mind by saying when kids are this close in age the second will be delayed (ESP in an older girl, younger boy family). I didn't want to hear his excuses- K was evaluated with a 45% language delay.
Would he have caught up without speech therapy, probably BUT a's a mom I didn't want to take chances it was something else!
I try hard not to compare my kids- but I do. It's hard for me not to between my own kids and between them & other kids. It may be a fault, but it helps me see where I can work with my kids to get them up to speed if need be. Or talk about their feelings about being ahead (in the case of my daughter) and try to help her not delay her own learning because she's embarrased to know more than her peers.
Sandy you made some great points! I have also heard that second children hit milestones slower, especially when that second child is a boy. That is one of the reasons that Bryce's lack of vocabulary does not worry me at all.
I don't think that comparing your children to other children is a "fault" at all. I have a feeling that most parents do it. In your case, it was good that you were paying attention and realized that there was a small issue. Mother's intuition is always right. I just think that in more cases than not, though, parents just bring themselves unnecessary worry by focusing on things that their child can't do that other children can. That's what I always did with my first. With my second, I have just learned to focus on his strengths, rather than the other milestones he may not be hitting as quickly as his sister did.
I use to compare Gav all the time. He wasn't talking like other kids his age. He did need speech but he caught up with the other kids. They are all unique that is for sure!
I used to, but with three, I have no time to compare ;)
It's hard not to compare! You learn not to over time, but when you're a new parent and they're babies, omg I used to do it all the time!
Well said LeeAnn! It's so hard not to compare, especially when you notice that another child is doing something that yours isn't. But you are right - they are learn at different ages ..
On the opposite end of Bryce, Abby doesn't know her colors! She can only recognize blue. Sometimes purple, but not always... we are working on that one now. :)
Major habit: Comparing my three kids! Two are boys ages 2 & 4 and my daughter is 8. My daughter was ADVANCED, big time, like 1st grade level at age 4 (but we put her in Kindergarten not 1st grade at 4). She is just so different than the boys. What the boys lack in "book smarts" at an advanced level like their sister, they make up for in physical activity and other areas! It is amazing how hard it is to not compare children even though you are right, each are unique and each will get to milestones and such at different levels! Great post!
It is much easier to compare than not too :) We all do it but as soon as we start to really think about it, we realize that it is not the best thing to do. All kids are different. So many things affect how kids learn that it is actually good that they all learn differently. And as a mom of more that one kid, it teaches us how to handle and treat each of our kids as individuals :)
I actually found the opposite with my second because my first was way advanced on everything nophysical and right on for physical milestones. But my second was always WAY behind where my older one was so I'd always be checkning on what the 'norms' were to see if I should be worried. #2 did actually end up needing speech therapy so I think sometimes when we as moms have a feeling we should trust it despite what anyone tells us about them being in normal range. But #2 had no interest in learning letters or writing but now they are finishing up first and second grade and the younger one is right on the older brothers marks at the same age. He is still in speech therapy.
But then #3 came along and I find I have not pushed him to hit milestones at all, I don't want him to grow up because he is for sure my last!
Great post, LeeAnn. I have struggled with this too, it's almost impossible not to compare siblings and I sometimes wonder if my comparisons are going to affect who they become. Now that Cam is older I make an honest effort to not utter verbal comparisons when the kids are around. For example, Chloe is practically potty trained and she just turned 2, and someone will ask, "did Camdyn potty train early too?" and before you know it I am in a full blown comparison conversation. It's probably harmless, but I want my girls to grow up feeling that like are both unique and special individuals...because they are.
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