I Am A Liar

And you can add “crappy mom” to the list of things I am today. I feel like I let my little girl down today. I can’t stop beating myself up over it either. I know I am probably making more of it than it is, but I’m still upset nonetheless.

Today was supposed to be “family day” at daycare. You could basically spend all day with your kid. Last night when Rylie wanted to pick out her bathing suit to wear for water day I had to explain to her that water day was going to be on Thursday this week because there was something special planned for Wednesday. I told her I was going to have breakfast with her and stay and play with her for a while. Then she asked “are you going to play outside with me?” and I told her I would. She was so excited.

You see, my plan was to stay there through the morning activity and leave right before lunch. Even though I am ridiculously busy at work right now and have a couple of big deadlines that have to be met this week, my very awesome boss agreed that it was important for Rylie to have her mom at school for at least part of the day today. That plan changed, unfortunately, when I got there and was the only parent there. Obviously the parents of kids in daycare have to work, or else they probably wouldn’t be there in the first place, but I thought at least a few of the other parents would attend. Nope.

I had breakfast with Rylie and a couple of her friends and then I decided that it would be much less disruptive if I didn’t stay. Being that I was the only parent there, I thought it would be a good idea to just let them get back to their normal routine. Of course Rylie didn’t like that idea, and I knew it was going to be hard for her when I left, regardless of how long I stayed. Her teacher put some music on and we did the Cha Cha Slide. Rylie laughed and giggled the whole time. I left after that and she was OK because she went over to the other class and fed the fish, which she really likes to do.

I got in the car and got about a mile down the road and thought “OMG I told her I would play with her outside today!!!” I felt like such a liar. I felt like I should turn around and go back. But I didn’t. Instead I just turned on the tears and came to work.

For those who don’t know me personally, I am the biggest cry baby EVER. I cry when I’m sad, mad, angry, happy, excited. You name the emotion, and chances are it produces tears for me. Unfortunately Rylie has seemed to inherit that trait from me, and I feel so bad for her for it. It has made for some pretty embarrassing times for me throughout my life, and it makes it nearly impossible for me to get involved in any type of face to face conflict.

Anyhow…I have literally been crying ever since. I can’t help it. I should have stayed. I should have kept my promise to play outside with her. I didn’t mean to let her down, and I feel so horrible that I did.